The Various Food Neuroses of Me

It has been a long week since my last post. I won't tell you what I did during that time. I won't mention the fence going up, the fish re-appearing in our pond, my new hammock, a fixed garage door, a repainted kitchen, the new ceiling fans, hanging out and playing video games with my cousin, or cooking tilapia on a wok.

I'm not going to mention any of that.

Instead, I will, for my own personal amusement, relay to you, the readers, the list of my own personal food issues. This is because my wife insists that I'm a picky eater. I don't consider myself such, but oh well.

Let me distinguish first, however, the difference between one of my food neuroses and a simple dislike. For example, I don't like apples, but that doesn't mean I have a problem with apples. If you can prepare something with apples that tastes good, I'm all for it.

Let us begin:

Peanut Butter: As everyone knows, peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth. Few people realize, however, that peanut butter also sticks to your soul. You want a clean soul? Don't eat peanut butter.

Seafood: Not "fish", but seafood. If it comes from an ocean I am uncomfortable eating it. There's a small chance I will, but for various environmental and ethical reasons, I cannot eat fish.

Beef: Here I refer to beef produced en-masse. Organic, open range beef is not abhorrant in my eyes, but the kind of beef you're likely to get at a resturant is. And don't even get me started on veal. The reason? Environment again. I do not worry about the suffering of the animals. The ability to become domesticated is a life-history trait that has allowed the cow genes to spread all over the world. Cows will probably exist as long as humans do, so not a bad decision on their part. Huge competitive advantage.

Pork: Eating pig, like eating peanut butter, is just wrong. I can't even precisely describe why, although I usually mention that pork killed Buddha. Unlike peanut butter, pork tastes ok. I have found it within me to eat pork on a handful of occasions, when a particular meal or resturant is renowned for a pork product. For instance, I ate ribs at Rendevous in Memphis Tennessee. Though it required me to cleanse my innards (with the sterilizing power of alcohol), I felt it was worthwhile.

Mammals: In addition to beef and pork in particular, I tend to shy away from any mammal (deer, elk, etc.) due to disease considerations. One disease in particular semi-terrifies me: the prion-based diseases (mad-cow like). I'm much less worried about diseases that will kill me quickly. Bison is a notable exception here.

Internal organs: Again, just wrong.

Sausage: I read The Jungle, which didn't get me to stop eating sausage. Then I read Fast Food Nation, and I realized that The Jungle was still happening.

Trans Fats: If the label says "Partially Hydrogenated" oil of some type, then I ain't eating it. The surgeon general says there is no safe level of trans fat consumption. That means it is basically a poison. I mean there are safe levels of arsenic and lead consumption.

Asparteme, Sucralose: Cancer-causing, fake sweetners suck. I hate them, and I will always avoid them. If I'm going to use a crappy tasting alternative to sugar, I'll go with stevia.

Nuts: Other than pine nuts, and various seeds (pumpkin, sunflower, etc), nuts are horrible. I hate them in anything, to the point where otherwise decent brownies can be ruined by adding nuts. Peanuts are, of course, the more horrifying example of this, but cashews and almonds are equally disgusting.

Eggs: Oddly enough, I eat a lot of eggs. Eat them in drunken noodles, omelotes, scrambled, cookie and bread doughs, eat them all the time. But this is because I have overcome, to some degree, this neurosis. I replace eggs in virtually everything with egg beaters, which are still, apparently, eggs, but I can eat real eggs as well. So maybe this isn't a neurosis anymore. However, I still feel uneasy at the thought of eating eggs, so I'm including it in this list.

Chinese food: Now, if there is one ethnicity who has incurred my neverending wrath, it is the chinese, or at least the schools of chinese cooking that I've experienced (I'm somewhat given to understand that it is southern chinese styles that are most prevalent in the U.S., but I have no real evidence of this). I'm not against oriental food, I like Korean, Thai, Cambodian...but Chinese? No. I think not.

Japanese food: Ok, so there are actually two ethnicities whose food I can't stand, but with Japanese food the problem is mostly related to seafood. They just use too damned much of it. Every time I've gone to a japanese resturant 95 percent of the menu has been seafood. The one person from Japan that I got to know pretty well was a decent cook, and she cooked for us a few times, making non-seafood dishes. Those were good. So I believe in the potential of Japanese food, or at least the cooking methods are interesting I should say.

Fried foods: This is a self-induced neurosis. I ate way too many fried foods as a young adult and high-schooler. I needed to stop, and over the years I've developed (cultivated really) a growing dislike for all things fried....except french fries, of course.


Maybe I am a picky eater. Oh well....I do most of the cooking anyway.