Step By Step Instructions for Flight Prep

I know there are lot of people for whom flying poses zero emotional or physical distress. I have, never, been one of those people. The best I've been able to do previously is forget I'm going to be flying until the moment arrives. One time, on a flight from Chicago to Anchorage, I actually tried drugs. The drugs were great, and I can't thank the person who suggested them enough, but I'm not sure it helped to have my hat turn into a turtle and feel like that was just fine (What? Let's just say that I'm saving the rest of those pills for a special occasion).

Anyway, this time I can't even remember why I would be worried about the flight. I mean, yeah, Rocky Mountains, crowded, borderline stupid airport in Denver...I'm searching here. I've given it a go, but I just can't work up the worry I've had in the past. I guess I really didn't have for my last flight (to Milwaukee).

Nevertheless, here are my step-by-step instructions for preparing to get on an airplane when you don't like to fly. These aren't really in any particular order, just the order I'm doing them.

1. Bring a good book. I usually go with something by Terry Pratchett: Light-hearted, funny, and overwhelming awesome. In fact, if you haven't ever read a Terry Pratchett book you haven't really lived. Pratchett's books take place in a flat world held up on the backs of four elephants, who are themselves riding on the back of a enormous turtle and are traditionally placed in the comedy-fantasy section. Yet, he has managed to create characters and situations that are such realistic portrayals of modern society that its hard to imagine them not being classified as "Theoretical Underpinnings of Western Philosophy".

2. Don't sleep the night before. I'm working on this one right now. In fact, I haven't well slept for a week, which doesn't have anything to do with flying, but a lot more to do with sleeping on the damned couch all the time and a series of storms. Did I mention that a 8-month old can take up a hell of a lot of space on a bed? I mean, judas freaking monkeys. This boy owes me. At least we have a moderately comfortable couch. Now if the tornadoes would stop.

3. Bring work along. I plan on this...in fact, the guy sitting next to me better be prepared, I plan on reciting my talk ten times on the flights out there.

4. Review the basic physics of flight. Seriously people, it has nothing to do with damned Bernoulli's principle. Or rather, it isn't caused by Bernoulli's principle.

5. Physical activity prior to flight. Seriously, go crazy. Run, walk, swim, situps, crunches, yoga, pilates, boxing, mosh pits, whatever it takes. Just go crazy. Combined with the lack of sleep, this should put you in a very, very, drowsy state when the plane starts. Hopefully, you'll fall right asleep (meaning, I won't practice my talk after all). Plus physical activity releases endomorphins in the ol' brain. Good times.

6. We'll see. I'm up to step 5 right now. I guess step 6 is listen to crazy music and write another blog entry.