My Quick Review of Pirates III

Apparently, episode three of Johnny Depp selling out to the man (in this case, Disney) is going to be an on-going saga.

And by on-going, I mean, never-f***ing-ending.

So in case you missed the last one, here's the brief recap:

Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightly made googly eyes at each other. Johnny Depp (uh...Jack Sparrow) said goofy things, waved his hands around in the air, and just generally acted completely amoral. The ship's sergeant said stupid things. There were some really ridiculous fight scenes. Good guys became bad guys, bad guys became good guys.

And there was a really big squid.

Whew. I quite enjoyed Pirates II.

Now, about Pirates III. There's this one scene maybe 1/3rd of the way into the film. I don't want to spoil it for you, but Jack Sparrow is dead. Oh shit. I just spoiled it for you.

Anyway. This scene is a little trippy.

This the best thing in the whole freaking movie. Why? Because it unabashedly acknowledges that nothing makes a damned bit of sense.

Look, filmmakers. I like style in a film. Really, I do. The first two Pirates were all style. This one is too.

But could we please, please have a little bit of internal consistency from film to film? I mean, I really got the feeling that every single thing in this movie was made up on the spot. A lot of the movie seems to revolve around freeing a particular character. Once free, this character is never mentioned again.

Uh what?

So to recap: There is one interesting scene in this movie, a lot of stupid special effects, a fair number of overly dramatic flourishes, and the kind of internal consistency that seems to suggest cause and effect are random dreams of a heroin junkie.

My rating system is based on the amount of money (up to ten dollars) that I'd believe the movie-going experience was worth.

I'd give Pirates of the Caribbean III a $7 rating.