The Bio

Some interesting facts about my life you might not be aware of:

I was born in the Summer of 1978 to loving parents in Kansas. At the tender age of 2 I was abducted by international diamond smugglers who believed a strange birthmark signaled me as “The One” and who believed me to be filled with a ‘divine destiny.’ After 18 harrowing days for my parents, the smugglers returned me unharmed and surrendered themselves to the authorities. According to official documents, the smugglers had apparently believed my childhood babblings were the word of god and had spent most of the 18 days looking for crackers.

At age 8 I taught myself Latin.

In the Spring of 1988 I surprised my parents by cooking the family four course meals once a week for over 3 months. This ended when I realized mid-way through the construction of a pumpkin cheesecake that we had run out of nutmeg. I did not cook again for years.

During my freshman year of high school I volunteered to help out at the local food bank. After three weeks of moving boxes and stacking cans I invented a robot that would do all the work in 1/10^th the time, thus freeing up the busy staff to address other difficult issues. As my final donation to the food bank when I left town after my senior year I gave them the patent and all future proceeds from the design. To date this has netted over $150 million.

As a freshman at a small liberal arts college I discovered alcohol, new music, theater, and number theory. This combination of activities prompted me to write a newspaper column entitled “Number Creative” that was syndicated in over 200 newspapers and spawned a bestselling book.

During a summer break I once worked at a BBQ restaurant where I still hold the records for most tips in one night ($387.23), despite it being a Tuesday. On another occasion, in a competition between waiters that got out of hand, we collectively made more in tips than the restaurant made in sales.

My entry into graduate school is well-documented. Less well documented is that I once attended the London International School of Performing Arts and excelled for three months before realizing that I had been mistaken for another accepted student. Embarrassed, I have since turned down all opportunities to appear in Broadway productions.

Pretty standard stuff I guess.