Auto Repair

Let’s be honest. Most of us, when faced with automotive difficulties, are completely capable of performing the appropriate repairs.

The procedures goes something like this:

Step 1: Ignore the problem.

95% of problems go away by themselves. Seriously, I’ve seen the numbers, and I’m convinced most problems are self-repairing. The automobile, through long decades of “evolution” has developed keep self-repair mechanisms. (This is probably intelligent design)

Step 2: Check under the hood.

As anyone can tell you, most of the problems that don’t “self-repair” are ones that will whither away when confronted by a stern look. The only real key is figuring out where to look. Since opening the hood exposes a vast array of different ‘car parts’ (don’t get bogged down with this technical jargon), this is a good place to start. Of course, if you hear a problem coming from a particular place (say, your front right tire) you could just start there.

Step 3: Verbal intimidation.

Cars are sensitive creatures, filled with deep internal longings and tremendous self-confidence issues. After all, new cars are coming out all the time, and cars don’t usually last forever. The knowledgeable car-owner will use this to his/her advantage. Refer to your car in the past tense (e.g., “Man, I remember when my car could reach a top speed above 20 mph”), casually mention that you’re going to buy a bus pass (e.g., “I suppose it’s about time I picked up that bus pass.”), and, if necessary, swear at it (e.g., “Piece of sh!t car!”). Often cars can be shamed into working properly.

Step 4: Physical intimidation.

Occasionally an automobile, much like a bratty kid, will require a bit of ‘physical encouragement’. This can be accomplished with a few well-placed kicks to the tires, a few hand slaps to the steering wheel, or even a dramatically slammed door. Use caution with physical intimidation, as over doing it can lead to more difficulties.

Step 5: Group intimidation.

Everyone’s had a car that was just a little too uppity for one person to handle. In these cases you should call up as many of your friends as possible, and repeat steps 1-4. Large burly men with beards are good at this ‘group intimidation,’ and if you can find someone who smells faintly of oil (car blood) this tactic has a very high success rate.

Step 6: Getting an expert.

If you auto is still acting funny after steps 1-5, then it might be time to bring in an expert. The best way to get an expert on-board is to find one within the family. Auto mechanics are notorious for finding problems that don’t really exist, or actively creating new problems. Mechanics in the family will probably do less of this than others (although who knows). Mechanics, of course, are simply better at performing steps 1-5 than you and your friends could ever be.

If you don’t have a mechanic in your family you might consider setting up siblings on blind dates with well-known area mechnics. If they hit it off, then maybe you can get your car fixed.

So there you go! Follow these simple steps and your car will probably break down ten minutes after any applicable warranty has expired and on the very morning your boss has called a meeting to discuss ‘chronic tardiness.’